The Fatigue

Dear Reader,

I want you to know that this piece initially started off quite differently than what you are about to read. My goal was to acknowledge the great loss of life, sanity, and normalcy we experienced in 2020, celebrate with you the accomplishment of simply making it to 2021, while simultaneously giving voice and perspective to the fatigue we’ve all felt concerning the holidays, politics, covid, and racial injustice. I originally had so much to share with you and ironically, became fatigued writing about the fatigue.

Then, the events of January 6th happened. And like many people, I sat with my feelings of disgust and attempted to process what I was seeing as our Capitol was attacked. I am going to walk you through my thoughts from the moments and days that followed from my vantage point as a Black woman as they came to me. I warn you now — if you are sensitive, this may be the time to click out of this particular article as some of what I have to share is going to offend you. Again, you’ve been warned. This is a snapshot of the conversation I was having internally the day of the Capitol attack (and yes, I curse in my conversations with myself):

• “Why should I even care?” This was my first thought as video snippets of a mob of mainly angry White people running around the Capitol building are on continuous loop. The full privilege of White skin on display. (Like, seriously, you’re just going to run around MASKLESS in a pandemic committing crimes with your face all out, taking selfies, and FULLY expecting to go home with no consequences?!!!) You are allowed to be angry and violent because you don’t know how to lose. But, if they don’t certify the results of this election, THESE people win and they likely mean ME absolutely no good, so I guess I answered my own question.
• “I’m so sick of paying for this.” Yeah, it did boil down to money for me like many Trump supporters I know. My perspective is a little different (and, I am by no means a Trump supporter). As a Black woman, I get tired of paying taxes for systems and people who do not serve me and sometimes, flat out mean me and those I love harm. You cannot convince me that there was merely a “breakdown” or “failure” of intelligence. It is clear these folks had help from the inside. Why am I paying for police who don’t protect or serve me and a congress made up of 2 parties — one which actively lets me know they could care less about me and one that only cares when they need votes?
• “It took y’all long enough.” It took the reporters on CNN a long minute before this particular mob went from “protesters” to “rioters” and “insurrectionists”. I wonder why that would be? (Insert sarcastic eye roll). I’m sure it felt like it took the powers that be long enough to get the well-meaning capitol police the back up they needed as well. Words and the timing of actions have meaning.
• “Way to state the obvious!” Every single democrat and journalist said, “…there would have been a different response if this had been Black Lives Matter…”. Yeah. I know. WE know. Now, what the hell are you going to do about it other than bump your damn gums?

In the days following, I’ve had some more thoughts as I’ve had time to process.

• “What the f!@$ do you mean IF he’s going to be accountable/punished for this?” More privilege on full display. There is no if. IF you do not hold people accountable, the rest of us average citizens have even less of a reason to continue to be law-abiding. We are no longer accepting “because you say so” as a reason. We are no longer accepting that because others have power and wealth that the systems we pay for work better for them and not at all for us. There is no IF. Do what we pay you to do and do it quickly.
• “Stop talking about White men as if they are little boys when they f$#! up royally.” Senator Roy Blount says Trump “touched a hot stove” by essentially calling for this riot. He’s not a curious toddler. This happens way too often. Black boys with Skittles in their pockets are viewed as superhuman demons, sleeping Black women are threats, and even White women are punished far more harshly than White men for similar crimes. He’s a whole old, grown a$$ man who should know better. If he doesn’t, as long as he is breathing, it’s never too late to learn that actions have consequences and —
• “Words have meaning.” News outlets keep throwing around terms like “sedition”, “coup”, and “insurrection”. Can we call this what it is? A failure. Those who participated in this failed at keeping the electoral college votes from being certified. They failed at terrorizing the congress from doing their jobs and they failed at whatever other heinous crimes they had planned for certain people. They lost the election and they failed at stealing it back. “Stop the steal” they say. See how that works?
• “I am tired of Black women having to clean shit up.” The chief of the Capitol police resigned. I already knew before they showed a picture or said a name that it would be a Black woman to replace him. Because we always do the clean-up work. Let me be clear: I am not saying she isn’t qualified — I am saying she was when she was likely passed over for a promotion or two prior this moment. But, now, she has to lead investigations into her own staff while gearing up for more foolishness, along with the regular business of the job and life. It’s exhausting. When we all should be celebrating Chief Pittman’s accomplishments, they are somewhat diminished by having to clean up incompetence. And Kamala will be expected to clean up after Mike Pence. Just wait…
• “Stop talking about Donald J. Trump as if he is an omnipotent boogie man.” He is not. He is the full-length mirror that America has avoided looking in since our inception. He is a master marketer that has flipped all of the woof tickets we’ve sold around the world back on us. Those rioters believe an election has been stolen from them. How many elections have WE interfered in? He, along with his supporters, don’t want to admit or accept that they just lost. Do WE ever admit when WE lose? (i.e. Vietnam War) We know there’s so much more that, as a nation, we’ve done wrong to other nations and to select members of our own citizenry that we never truly own and therefore, we never really heal. You can’t keep telling everyone you’re the greatest when you don’t address your weaknesses and your willful wrongdoing.

Many people are hoping by electing Biden and Harris that the proverbial genie that has been let out of the bottle would be put back in. It will not. We have to do our work. Yes, WE. I’ve heard many of my Black family and friends say this isn’t our fight and, as I shared my initial thought was “why should I care”? I care because I pay for these systems, our congress people’s salaries and benefits, and because my ancestors built that building. As much as I would like to “opt out” of helping America do the work this is my country too, no matter who and how many times someone tries to tell me it’s not. Ultimately, I care because I am reflected in that mirror, too.